Premise is Peace

I have almost completed going through practical applications of communications between adults in previous posts. We reviewed scenarios and the psychology of interactions. While all of that is important, it is nothing without understanding that we have an inherent drive towards peace. Moving forward and having long-lasting successful interactions, we have to keep in our minds that our premise is peace. 

Keeping this in mind does not take away from the fact that we may not agree with someone’s communications or interactions. However, we can “agree to disagree,” more agreeably when we believe that our goal, and the other person’s goal, is peace. The route to peace may not look the same for you as it does for the other person. How you get there or think the other person should get there may not be the same, but the end result is equivalent; the goal is peace. When we accept this, believe this, and keep this in our minds, interactions become easier.

Step one towards peace for ourselves and our interactions is understanding. Over the past five years of starting my own school, and now moving to a new location, I have experienced an onslaught of emotions, tensions, and frustrations. When going through these types of processes, there is a lot that is out of our control. People are counted on to do their job correctly, and to do it on time or early. All too often, this very well may not happen. There are even people who become involved in a project, who may sabotage (or seem like they are sabotaging) the process to get to the goal. Anger and frustrations towards these people surface. All the while, it is so important to be resourceful, rather than give and find solutions. This is applicable to the interrelationships between guides, parents, and administrators too.

We have all heard people say things like, “life is hard.” This is true. There are going to be obstacles, challenges, and change in our lives. That is a given, right? What is one thing that separates successful and fulfilled people from those who are not? It is how we handle difficult experiences. Part of how we handle these experiences starts with a determination for peace. We can agree that everything and every living being is made up of energy. 

You and I have a 24 hour a day internal experience filled with emotions and thoughts. Our perceptions, interpretations, and communications of those emotions and thoughts is what lays the groundwork for our further interactions with ourselves and others. While we will still experience anger or frustration towards ourselves and others, those emotions will become less strong when we remember that the goal is peace. Furthermore, our internal experience seems to be so intricate that I want to offer something for you to consider. When you think of everyone and everything as being energy, there are no boundaries that separate us and it is all connected. We are all connected. Herein lies what I want to try to offer to you as practically speaking as possible. 

The conflict and/or frustration that you are having with someone else, whether it is over timelines not being met, commitments not being honored, etc. starts and ends with you. What is the internal conflict that you feel in yourself that is reflecting your external experience that “someone else is causing?” It is a tough pill to swallow and it is very easy to be dismissive of it, but I want to challenge you to swallow the pill and experiment. Here is a simple exercise that takes maybe five minutes, that you can do before having a communication that you are not looking forward to. You can even do it for something or someone you are looking forward to. This is also something you can do for five minutes a day leading up to a meeting or event.

Before the meeting: Do the following in your mind, like a meditation.

1. Find a quiet space and sit in a comfortable position. 
2. Take a few slow deep breaths and let go of any tension you are feeling physically or emotionally. 
3. Self check what your predisposed judgments are, and if they are negative, breathe them out.
4. Self-talk positive affirmations to replace those judgments. 
5. Now that your mind is clear and you are feeling more positive, imagine the experience the way that you hope for it to go. Imagine the room and experience being bright and cheery. 
6. Take a few slow deep breaths and put your awareness at the front and center of your chest as you imagine warm and good feelings. 
7. Thank yourself and the person (or people) for their participation in coming to a peaceful resolution. 

What are some things that this simple exercise does?

It aligns you back to a positive space. Negative thoughts and emotions begin to, or completely, dissolve. 

Why does this work? 

You are reacknowledging the connection between you and all things. We have awareness and unawareness, and we want to utilize our awareness of connection. There is a belief in God that you have or the Universe or something of the sort. If everything is connected and connected to God and or the Universe, then we all fall under that connection. 

Remember, the premise is peace. When we come from this mindset, things become easier to experience because of this perception, interpretation, and ability to allow ourselves to be open-minded enough to be resourceful. When we always intend to be peaceful with others, even in difficult situations, we can find ways to make peace possible.

Give this a try, and/or share your thoughts with me, and, in turn, your insights and shared experiences can be utilized by others. There is so much to be gained by all of us through sharing. This is why history can be so beneficial and is often enjoyed by so many. We teach our children history because we hope they benefit from the shared experiences of others. I believe that sharing about our experiences is a component in our daily personal and professional lives that is all too often overlooked. Let’s remember to be aware of our intentions and practice this perception of a premise for peace together.

Work

What do you think of when you think of work? What do your family members, colleagues, peers, employees, and children say or think?

If you google, “define work,” you will come up with a definition that you will probably find surprising. Using the word work as a verb, it states, “be engaged in physical or mental activity in order to achieve a purpose or result.” Look at how far away we have come in defining work for ourselves and our children. What message do you directly or indirectly send to your children about work? What message do you directly or indirectly send to them about their work? What aspects of your communication are potentially constructive or potentially destructive? No matter what you are communicating, when was the last time you asked yourself, “Is my communication based on a misperception about work?”

So often, parents come home at the end of a day and complain about work or complain about having to go into work on Monday morning. There is exuberance in the air when Friday rolls around! How counterproductive is that for your child, especially if they are attending a Montessori School?! Maybe we aren’t modeling a desire to be at our chosen job or joy in our work. Often, parents either ignore their children as soon as they get in the car by being on their phone or they grill their child about their day, asking too many questions in what should be a moment of joyful reconnection. When a child says they do not know or they forget what they did during the day, it can cause friction between the child and their parent. This is a whole other blog post. The point here is to ask, what is the intention, the relationship, focus and understanding with work?

Think about this for a moment. Work is the engagement of the body and/or mind. The goal is to be in the moment during this engagement. Taking it another step forward, can you work on being engaged in something that you really do not feel like doing? The answer is yes! It may not be ideal, as ideal as knowing you are doing something you love. However, being able to find joy in that which just has to be done is an ability of humans. This is what I say to my students when they eventually have to do something in particular that they may not really feel enthusiastic about. I say, “Well it is a good thing you are not a deer or some other animal!” They usually look at me like a deer in headlights, pun intended. I say, “Well, for example, when a deer gets scared, it either freezes or runs away, or will, very rarely, fight. The difference between you and a deer is that you can choose any number of actions regardless of whether you want to do something or not. You might be scared and might want to run, but you can calm yourself down, or get a friend and ask for help. Just like, even though you do not want to do this work and have been avoiding it, now it is really important. So, I challenge you to figure out something about it that you can appreciate so you can learn and enjoy the process.”

Sometimes I also tell the children, “I really do not care if you get the work right or not. What is important to me is your brain and your learning experience. There are certain things that your brain will go through during this experience and you are going to feel and do better for it, regardless of the outcome of the work. I care about your learning, not just about the spelling in your final report or whether you’ve memorized all the times tables.”

All work is noble; the only ignoble thing is to live without working. There is need to realize the value of work in all its forms whether manual or intellectual, to be called 'mate,' to have sympathetic understanding of all forms of activity. - Maria Montessori

I find that we do not all have the same understanding of what is considered “work.” As Montessori implied, you are working at home when you are playing basketball. When you choose to talk about a conflict with a friend, that is work as much as doing multiplication or a science experiment is work. In fact, social and emotional “work” is sometimes more important for children than what is usually considered school work. Academic work can almost always get done or reviewed if it is missed at a particular time. Developmental markers, including work of the emotions and mind, sometimes seem to have small windows of opportunity compared to the length of one’s life. You could be the greatest mind in the world (this may be an exaggeration), but if you are not emotionally and mentally healthy too, there is no enjoyment in the more academic  gifts you have.

I want to urge you to carefully consider how you communicate about your perception of work in your workplace, school and home. Think about what you are communicating to yourself and to others, especially children. Try to act with the premise that work is the engagement of the hands and/or mind. See how this changes your world and the world around you. Share your comments and see if you believe what others are already thinking and not saying or maybe you’ll gain a new perspective from what others have to say, which is helpful, too.

Prelude to an Understanding of the Collaboration and Communication Between Administrator and Parent

Before an understanding of the collaboration and communication between administrator and parent(s) can truly take place, the following is important to keep in mind.  The administration consists of roles that include the Head of School, Business Administrator, Director of Development, and Director of Admissions. Depending on the business model or the size of the school, one or more persons may be performing the duties of two or more of these roles. Upon reviewing any of the job descriptions of these roles at various schools, I have found something missing. It is something that seems to be fundamental for the success of organizations, yet not a focus or a responsibility for the Administrations of Montessori Schools and probably not other private or public schools. Yet, I find that it is so fundamentally important. This is not the only thing missing in the job descriptions and required for successful positive interactions, but it is the only thing I will touch on for this introduction for the collaboration and communication between administrator and parent.

               The administration is the bridge builder between the families and the school. It all starts with the mission statement, just like forging relationships between the administration and the staff. If you google, “importance of a mission statement,” there will be 5,680,000 results. The administration is the introduction to the culture of the school, its purpose (mission) and vision. From there, the classroom that the parent’s child(ren) is in, and the relationship they forge with the Guide, and assistant is the proof that is in the pudding. There is such an important interplay here that is often overlooked.

               The communication of, understanding of, and practice of the school’s mission and vision first comes from the administration and must come on a regular basis. It can’t be communicated in the same way repeatedly to be effective. The administration will always have to deliver it differently over the course of different times. They will also have to find ways (that are not embarrassing) to have the staff show they know it, believe in it and are practicing it. There is at least one more important but different thought to keep in mind.

               We may have experience being an elementary child, or a parent, or a teacher, or an administrator.  However, we can only be heard or accepted into these groups to the extent that they feel they can relate to us, we can relate to them, and what the connection is at the heart level. It starts with the mission statement, it continues with our actions, and ends with our reputation. So, when talking about an understanding of the collaboration and communication between administrator and parent, the relationship between them is like the relationship between guide and parent(s) and guide and classroom. It starts with connecting at the heart, by sharing your school’s purpose and how you accomplish it, and the school’s vision.

               The administrator will never be in the culture, or be a peer, of the parent community, staff community or classroom community, just like the guide will never be a peer of the children in the classroom they are responsible for guiding. The administrator is the guide of the school culture. And so, he or she must act as such. He or she must literally create or implement a framework which guides other people to journey with them along the same path of the mission. The administrator creates a mental and emotional prepared environment for the parent, staff, child and school community as a whole. The foundation of this prepared environment is the mission of the school. On a side note to learn more about frameworks and leadership, I highly recommend contacting Kathy Minardi about her Whole School Leadership Course!

The components that the school creates (mission, vision, types of connections) are like the shelves with the materials. The actions that are performed based on these components and guidelines is the work that is done by the community just like the work that is done by the children in the classrooms. A reputation is built, and a culture is based on this action. Not truly or clearly having this is the cornerstone of conflict in conversations had between the parent and administration. Let’s say a conversation is needed between a parent and the administration. There is some semblance of conflict or confusion needing to be cleared up on the part of the administration to the parent. In the following example, the parent could be the cause of conflict or confusion.

               When a conversation is going to need to happen between parent(s) and administration, the mission of the school should be at the forefront of the beginning of that conversation. Assuming that the mission is good and sound, the conversation starts with the mission. Let’s use Montessori Seeds of Education’s mission for this example. The conversation starts with the administration and proceeds similar to the following:

               The administrator says, “In understanding that our school’s mission is to create a mindful, collaborative, and authentic Montessori experience for families, some of our staff and myself have noticed that you are often on the phone when you are picking up your child from school. Based on my experience, I have found that during this time when you are reconnecting at the end of the day it is so important to give undivided attention to children. Your child has been away from you for eights hours or more. They need to feel like they were missed and that they are your priority, the most important person to you each day. Do you see how not giving them this initial attention could be upsetting to them even if they do not seem to care? Collaborating with us in this way is part of giving your child the whole education that you expect us to provide and that we both hope to impart to your child.”

               There are so many variables within this example and the conversation could go so many different ways. The purpose of this example is to show how the mission of the school will initially be implemented into the conversation and will guide its content. It is also important to ask reflective questions. This is good to activate certain centers of the brain and limit defensiveness. Finally, closing your part of the dialogue by reiterating at least part of the mission statement and connecting its relationship to the greater whole of educating their child as a team effort emphasizes collaboration. Mindfulness and collaboration does not have to be part of any school’s mission statement for this to work. However, including the practice of these timeless principles is inclusive and will only help solidify your school’s mission and the success of your conversations.

               In conclusion, adults need to think about the role of the administration and the way it interacts with parents a little more inclusively, collaboratively, and consciously (mindfully). The mission statement is the foundation of the school’s mental and emotional prepared environment, similar to the classrooms’ shelves and materials. Bringing the concept of the mission statement to the community on a regular basis is of the utmost importance for the success of the community.  When you have a sound mission statement, with a mission driven community, everyone experiences the success and fulfillment of that mission. 

An Understanding of the Collaboration and Communication Between Administrator and Parent

The administration consists of roles that include at least the Head of School, Business Administrator, Director of Development, and Director of Admission. Depending on the business model or the size of the school, one or more persons may be performing the duties of two or more of these roles. Upon reviewing any of the job descriptions of these roles at various schools, I have found something missing. It is something that seems to be fundamental for the success of organizations, yet not a focus or a responsibility for the Administrations of Montessori Schools and other private or public schools. Yet, I find that it is so fundamentally important. This is not the only thing missing in the job descriptions, but it is the only thing I will touch on for this introduction for the collaboration and communication between administrator and parent. If you google, “importance of a mission statement,” there are approximately 5,680,000 results.

The administration is the bridge builder between the families and the school. It all starts with the mission statement, just like it does with the staff. The administration is the introduction to the culture of the school, its purpose (mission) and vision. The tone of the classroom and the relationship administrators forge with the Guide, assistant, and present parents is the proof that is in the pudding. There is such an important interplay here that is often overlooked. This introduction begins before the family even enrolls in the school. The Director of Admission should always highlight the mission of the school when sharing with a prospective family.

The communication of, understanding of, practice of the school’s mission and vision first comes from the administration and must be interwoven into daily operations on a regular basis. It can’t be communicated in the same way repeatedly to be effective. The administration should manifest the mission in various forms over the course of time. This will probably include activities that may be counter-intuitive for administrators and actually require the administration to serve the community. The administration also must find ways to encourage the staff to demonstrate they know the mission, believe in it and are practicing it, in a way that is encouraging and not embarrassing or putting them on the spot. There is at least one more important thought to keep in mind.

We may have experience being an elementary child, or a parent, or a teacher or an administrator.  However, we can only be heard or accepted into these groups to the extent that they feel they can relate to us, we can relate to them and what the connection is at the heart level. It starts with the mission statement; it continues with our reputation and ends with our actions. So, when talking about an understanding of the collaboration and communication between administrator and parent, the relationship between them is like the relationship between guide and classroom. It starts with connecting at the heart, sharing your school’s purpose, how you accomplish it and the school’s vision.

The administrator will never be in the culture of the parent community, staff community or classroom community, just like the guide will never be a peer of the classroom they are responsible for guiding. The administrator is the guide of the school culture. And, so he or she must act as such. The administrator creates a mental and emotional prepared environment for the parent, staff, child and school community as a whole. The foundation of this prepared environment is the mission of the school.

The philosophy that the school follows is like the shelves with the materials. The actions that are performed based on these components and guidelines is the work that is done by the community just like the work that is done by the children in the classrooms. A reputation and culture is built, based on this philosophy. This is the cornerstone of conflict and conversations had between the parent and administration. Let’s say a conversation is needed between a parent and the administration and there is some semblance of conflict or confusion needing to be cleared up between the administration and the parent.

When a conversation needs to happen between parent(s) and the administration, the mission of the school should be the forefront of that conversation. Assuming that the mission is good and sound, the conversation starts with the mission. Let’s use Montessori Seeds of Education’s mission for this example. The conversation starts with the administration similar to the following.

The administrator says, “In understanding that our school’s mission is to create a mindful, collaborative, and authentic Montessori experience for families, some of our staff and myself have noticed that you are often on the phone when you are picking up your child from school. Aside from any safety issues, and based on my experience, I have found that this time is so important to give undivided attention to children. Your child has been away from you for eights hours or more. They need to feel like they were missed and that they are the most important to you each day. Do you see how not giving them this initial attention could be upsetting to them even if they do not seem to care? Collaborating with us in this way is part of giving your child the whole education that you and I hope to impart to your child.”

There are so many variables within this example and the conversation could go so many different ways. The purpose of this example is to show how the mission of the school will initially be implemented into the conversation. Then it is important to ask reflective questions. This is good to activate certain centers of the brain and limit defensiveness. Finally, closing your part of the dialogue reiterating at least part of the mission statement and implementing its relationship to the greater whole of educating their child as a team effort emphasizes collaboration. Mindfulness and collaboration does not have to be part of any school’s mission statement for this to work. However, including the practice of collaboration and mindfulness (reflection) is inclusive and will only help solidify your school’s mission and the success of the conversation.

In conclusion, adults need to think about the role of the administration and the way it interacts with parents a little more inclusively, collaboratively, and consciously (mindfully). The mission statement is the foundation of the school’s mental and emotional prepared environment, similar to the classrooms’ shelves and materials. Bringing the concept of the mission statement to the community on a regular basis is of the utmost importance for the success of the community.  When you have a sound mission statement with a mission driven community, everyone experiences the success and fulfillment of that mission.

Part 2: An Understanding of the Communication and Collaboration Between Parent and Teacher

A lot of what was discussed in the previous blog post, An Understanding of the Communication and Collaboration between Parent and Teacher, is applicable from the perspective of the parent to the teacher/Guide as well. In fact, it is really applicable for most interactions. However, when I think of what can be added or helpful here when the roles are reversed, I think about my previous experience and others' experiences that have been shared with me. I ask myself, what can I share that might be helpful for parents themselves or in their communications with Guides and/or administrators of Montessori schools in conjunction with this format and image?

For better or worse and for what it is worth, this is what I have come up with and I hope you find it useful. Ultimately, parents think to themselves, “I want what is best for my child.” One step further is that they know their child has to get an education, one way or another: home school, public, private, charter or alternative. So, obviously we are continuing this communication as the parent who has chosen a path for their child to receive a Montessori education.

(From the perspective of a parent) “As a parent there are so many things I want to know, even if it is not conscious. There are things I do not even know I want to know. There are things that I think should be obvious for my child’s teacher to communicate with me as well as the school administration. I am also too busy to sometimes care, remember, or ask. So, I want my child’s teacher and the school to intuit these things and communicate them. After all, I am paying them a lot of money. I do not want to have to accept to trust even if I say that I can or will. My child and their future is in your hands and I want to know. With all this training and experience, I want you to provide me with easy to access and straightforward information because I am too busy to get anything long winded, whether I am a stay at home parent or a full time working parent. I may not make it to every event or respond to every communication, but I still want to come. Sometimes, I even want you to figure out a convenient time for me to read your communication or attend a school event.”

This is both true for the parent that is more laid back and the “helicopter” or “lawnmower” parent. Why? As adults, we still have an innate desire to evolve and do better. We are former children with needs, desires, characteristics and tendencies that are both tapped and untapped, realized and unrealized. As parents, we need to be inspired just like our children. As a parent this is what we are communicating intentionally and unintentionally. This is what a parent wants to say to their child’s teacher, whether they know it or not; this is just what the Guide should be hearing. “I know you think you were only trained for my child’s education, but you were actually trained to educate us both. The principle of following and inspiring the child also applies to us. My child won’t get the full benefit of a Montessori education without me being on board. This is the paradigm I need you and the school to break through. I am going to place demands on you, spoken and unspoken. Sometimes I’ll say something and mean something completely different."

Now that we got through that, how do we work through it with this model?

Parents need to be given an awareness not only of the goals for their child, which include the general outline for the year and for three years, but also an awareness of the importance of a willingness to collaborate. If a parent is already aware, then they need to communicate with the Guide. A parent should request, or a Guide should make sure they have a meeting with parents to find out what each other’s goals are for their child. Montessori teachers are used to just accepting children and having families trust the process. Parents are used to just sending their child to school. This is essentially what goes on and there is no problem, until there is and there is always a problem.

So, I am writing from the parent’s vertex on the triangle to say, have a meeting with your Guide before school starts or at the very beginning. Go over goals, expectations, and get concrete, at least simplified information about the program you are signing your child up for. The paradigm of an isolated school/home experience must be broken. The unspoken misunderstandings and assumptions between home and school in a Montessori environment need to end. The only way to do that is through active communication and listening, follow through, and follow-up. It is the Guide’s and school's responsibility to find a way to inspire the adult to such communication. Having a more active, conscious and collaborative ongoing communication provides protection for possible future conflicts. Our role is to inspire and figure out how to best role model how we interact with the children, providing congruency for the adult.

In conclusion, for now, let’s recap. Review the previous blog post, because the information there is applicable here for the dialogue and understanding from parent to Guide as well. Adults are people, who have already experienced being a child, who still want to and need to be followed and inspired also, whether conscious of it or not. Parents and Guides should have an understanding that Guides were not just trained to educate the child and that parents don’t want to be “educated,” because that makes them feel inferior, even if they are communicating otherwise. Human beings do not like to be preached to; that is another reason why lessons tend to be so successful in a Montessori environment. Guides do not preach to children, nor do they come across that way. Do something different and meet with parents at the beginning of the year to establish a clearer understanding. This seems like a lot that the parent is asking, but the parent is not asking. This is what the parent and Guide signed up for when the parent became aware that a Montessori education was best for their child and the Guide decided that they wanted to devote their career choice to serving the child.

An Understanding of the Communication and Collaboration Between Parent and Teacher

There is so much that can be said regarding this relationship. Keeping the idea of the triangle in mind and who or what makes up the sides and angles, it’s an ever evolving and sometimes devolving exchange. However, I like to look at it like a dancing of particles, similar to an explanation given in an elementary lesson called “God Who Has No Hands.” We have to understand the particles involved, and how they interact with each other, knowing their roles and the internal and external influences upon them in order to keep the balance as close to an acute equilateral triangle as possible. To have a simple image and a goal in mind is important when communicating something like this. 

What I am going to touch upon will eventually be so much more comprehensively covered than these blog posts can do justice to what I ultimately want to and will convey. However, please consider this as an introduction to look at what you know, or may not know, in a different way to aide in communication and collaboration with each other. I find that these strategies, attitudes, and perceptions help me be an effective communicator, so I want to share them with you. Based on my successes, failures, and feedback that I have received, I have been working on creating and communicating what I feel will be different, more intuitive, practical, and easier to grasp and follow in areas where we may be lacking and to give us a control of error to fall back on when we may have a blind spot or just may not be sure about something.

Before moving forward, have in mind this image of the triangle, but only the part that relates to the parent/teacher relationship. One vertex of the triangle is the Teacher/Guide and another vertex is the parent(s). We will be aware that “administration” is on the other vertex, “environment” is on the bottom, “assistants” are a side of the triangle, and the other side of the triangle consists of “other adults” who interact with the child. The child is the center of the triangle. Our focus is between Parent, guide/teacher and child.

Now, for a framework. The parent, teacher, and child would not be interacting in each other’s lives if one was missing. They are all connected, which is so important to keep in mind. There is an interdependency; yet, so often, there is an air of entitlement with at least one. Expectations are not even communicated, just expected to be known. All too often, collaboration does not happen. One expects the other to do their job, report back and be done with it. How can this model be successful when there is such an intricate interdependency that is truly and constantly at work? 

Practically speaking, there should be an open forum discussion between each adult. So often, schools ignore or forget the constant notions that have been drilled into parents’ heads about how things should be, and it is usually a very traditional and unfortunately all too common way of thinking. Parents don’t care or do not even realize that, for the most part, teachers are faced with this day in and day out. Teachers are usually in a constant struggle between the dynamics of their student’s home life, parent expectations that don’t match a timeless philosophy, school dynamics, the education from their training, and the experience that they are offering to the students. 

Children are in the middle of everyone’s expectations and eventually, as they get older, a realization of their own expectations becomes convoluted based on the adult’s impression of them and their experiences in different environments. With all of that said, there is one thing that needs to be crystal clear. A Montessori education is for ALL children. Montessori may not be for all parents, generally because they have a different perspective on human development and expectations or understanding of children. Lastly, the piece that I find is too often left out is that a child may not be a good fit for a certain Montessori classroom, but it does not mean no Montessori classroom is a good fit. 

Just like in the classroom with children, we can only meet parents where they are, not where we want them to be. In our communications with them we have to remember not to take anything personally. Which is also good advice in our everyday interactions in life. Have you ever been yelled at by a parent? Maybe you have been told that their child absolutely does not lie. Have you experienced a time when a parent was upset with you because you did not meet their expectations of how you should handle a situation, but you handled it in a way that falls in line with Montessori’s philosophy? I have definitely experienced these situations. You are either going to successfully turn these situations around or you are not. Simple and obvious, right? Well, it is true and we have to accept that. Once we do what we do, the rest is out of our control. We have to find peace in that idea before moving forward. 

Step one in any of these situations is to breathe. People do not need a reaction right away, so don’t give them one. Just breathe, and ask a reflective question or reiterate what you hear them saying. In any one of these situations this works to begin to diffuse the situation either for both parties, or at least yourself. Explain that before you go any further, you would like to agree on what the hope for the outcome is for this situation. When you know what the desired outcome is for both parties, you know there is a place to navigate to, a goal. You may think you know what your desired outcome is and what the parent’s is, but the idea that they are identical is an assumption that is practiced all too often. I have been so successful in diffusing situations and saved time by making this initial clarification my “go to” during a meeting with parents. You might go through a whole rigmarole with parents only to find out they have had every intention of pulling their child out of the school. I am not suggesting to ask if they are planning on pulling their child, although in some cases that may be a good idea. Just make an opportunity to clearly agree on the goal of the meeting. I find that parents are usually surprised by that, and usually end up appreciating it. Once the hopeful outcome is established, it is something you can go back to if the response isn’t, “well, I am pulling my child anyway.” 

So, let's say a parent is yelling at you and/or upset with you for whatever reason. Breathe, reiterate the situation if applicable and say, “So, what is your goal for the end of this meeting?” If it is a reasonable answer I would say something like, “I like to think we are on the same team. We both want what’s best for your child, although that may look a little different for each of us. Since we both want the same thing, I think we can work together to A) handle a situation like this differently and here is my suggestion about how this can look. What is yours? B) I want to support you in what you are trying to accomplish with your child and I would like to feel supported by you in how I am trying to nurture your child’s natural characteristics and tendencies so they can be the best person they can be.” Then a more hostile-free dialogue can stem from there. 

What I want to communicate is that we have decided to take on a career where we have to accept the fact that we must continuously play the role of diffuser and rebuilder. If we do not have this mindset then we are setup to fail. When we accept this role, we get less frustrated and take things less personally. It is silly for a garbageman to get mad at the people who throw away the trash that is set out for pickup in the morning. They chose a role and must accept it. Part of our description as guides, which was never told to us, is to be a diffuser and bridge builder. Parents are people, they are what they are, and we can’t get mad at them if we are meeting them where they are. If we are not coming from an emotional perspective, but a higher, more mental perspective, it is what it is. We have to use our emotions to bridge the gap and our mind to rise above a frustrating emotional perspective where we are “taking it personally.” When we work collaboratively together, interactions are optimized for growth, and both sides are benefiting the child, end of story.

An Introduction to the Framework for Collaboration and Cooperation

When one practices transparency it is under the pretenses that he or she is constantly working on open-communication and holds themselves accountable. Professionalism is a skill and practice of good judgement and polite behavior, no matter the situation. Character deals with the integrity of a person always striving to utilize and practice sound mental, moral, and emotional qualities. To be successful in continuing to develop these qualities, two parts are needed. One needs to tap into their will-power to make the decision to act in these ways. The driving force to remind yourself when situations are difficult, should be that you are answering to the child.

In communicating to parents, administrators and other co-workers, you’re not really answering their questions, but rather answering on behalf of the child. It is a mindset that you must constantly hold in both your mind and your heart, to help navigate through challenging conversations. When your thoughts and your communications are focused on serving the child, it is easier to not let comments affect your communication personally. There may be a feeling of advocacy for the child, which might cause you to communicate as if you are taking something personally, but it has to be with the mindset that you are holding the service for the child in the highest regard. When you do this, you can’t or won’t take it personally. Your conversation will be directed into a positive flow with a successful outcome.

So, in your interactions, this mindset will more readily enable you to have a reflective conversation when the other person seems to be attacking either you, what you’re doing or what is happening at your school. The bottom line is that the parents, teachers and the administration all want what is best for the child and the trained teacher needs to direct or redirect any given conversation into a compromise and a collaboration of the end goal: what’s best for the child?

While this is a subjective question, the parents have their personal experience, maybe whatever they have read and their own intuition to fall back on, but the trained Montessori teacher has their education and experience to support the end goal of guiding, not only the child but the directives given to the child to nurture their timeless characteristics and tendencies. When the adult can fall back on timeless characteristics and tendencies, there is little room for arguing or interpretation.

A starting point in any conversation can be with the end goal of having the following statement in mind: The “child” is not just the small person in front of you, but includes all the children who are not in front of you, humanities’ future.  When we focus on something greater than ourselves, we become humble, which is also an important quality to harness. The work before us becomes not about us. The desire to serve the child feeds our will-power to help us accomplish those tasks that otherwise might seem impossible.

In conclusion, as illustrated in the graphic above, there’s a paradigm and framework that I would like to communicate to incorporate as many dynamics as possible to best support the education of the child. The first part will be an understanding of the communication and collaboration between the parent and teacher; the second part will be the teacher and administrator’s perspective; and the third part will be administrator/parent communication and collaboration, to create the angles of the triangle. The final piece will be the role of adults, assistants and the environment, all with the focus of the child in the center, giving us an acute equilateral triangle. This triangle is always the goal, but it will always morph into any of the other 6 types of triangles based on the give and take relationship and interactions among people and the environment. The goal is to have as close to an acute equilateral triangle as possible based on collaboration, cooperation and communication.

Cooperation VS Collaboration

https://www.pinterest.com/rmetka/montessori-lower-elementary-6-9/

The terms cooperation and collaboration are not often or easily distinguishable, but doing so and understanding the difference can be very beneficial in the classroom and among co-workers. One important distinction is “active” and “inactive” participation. Someone can be inactive or silent and still be cooperating. When collaborating, everyone has an active role. If someone is simply being compliant, they can be considered to be cooperating. That is not the case with collaboration. There is shared action with collaboration. With cooperation, someone can simply give someone help to achieve something. When cooperating a person is making or helping someone to be able to do or achieve something. Collaboration offers the help along side someone or some people to achieve something together.

A Montessori Classroom offers the opportunities for both throughout every single day. Here is an example of collaboration from my classroom. One boy had the idea to create a timeline of the history of the Titanic. Several other boys joined in on the idea. They helped each other do research, draw, write and color on the timeline. As the guide, I had very little to no part in it, and my assistance was not necessary. One boy got the idea from a book to contact someone from the book. He asked an adult for help in contacting him to get some more or unique information. He emailed a historian who helped with the movie “Titanic.” The man responded and they were able to exchange and get new information for their work. This great work had many other benefits besides completing a project together. Everyone had a shared work to do to accomplish a goal, and they all played active roles, while there was no dictating. This is what a Montessori classroom makes room for. Below is an interesting diagram of cooperative and collaborative learning.

(http://www.teacherswithapps.com/the-differences-in-cooperative-learning-collaborative-learning/)

Public and traditional schools mostly offer cooperative learning opportunities and very rarely if at all offer collaborative learning. When a Montessori guide gives a lesson, there is cooperative learning between him/her and the student(s) to understand new information. A follow-up lesson gives way to more cooperation to reach the goal of understanding, remembering and/or applying. Yet, if students get an idea to do something different together, which leads them to learn something new (a different goal), those students are collaborating. Now, both cooperative and collaborative learning styles are happening in the classroom.

What about looking at the school as a unit? A school has a mission that is usually developed by one person, the founder. Cooperation is where the parents agree to follow the policies, pay tuition, get their children to school in hopes that the guides and other students will cooperate to help their children learn and be better than when they are dropped off. Some parents do not even think that much about it, they do not even play much of an active role, other than getting their children to school. However, here is a different outlook on collaboration for the school as a unit.

A Montessori school wants to play an active role in children’s education. Families want to play an active role in their children’s education. The basics of cooperation are met. Payment is made, children’s needs are cared for, and parents drop students off on time and come to conferences. Before the children are accepted or start, there is an agreement of goals that are to be attained for their children through a collaborative conversation between head of school, guide and parents. The school provides information that the parents can do at home to facilitate their child’s growth and development. There is also a monthly night of engagement between school and parents to nurture the parents’ understanding of happenings in the classroom and to share information or ask questions about experiences that are happening at home. Then the school takes an active role in creating solutions if necessary. Sometimes, even just the act of sharing helps others with what they are going through, or may go through, in the future. There is not so much lecturing as there is the sharing of information to come to new knowledge, expressing it and being able to apply it for another’s benefit. It is a group work and not a facilitator structured work. By default, it can be argued that there is a facilitator or leader, but beyond that there is a group agreement for group work based on a common goal where everyone plays an active role.

In conclusion, there are many similarities, even with the etymology. Yet, collaboration requires active and group oriented work. By work, I mean the actual meaning of the word, a sustained physical and mental effort to achieve goal(s) or overcome obstacles. While there can be cooperation (working together) during collaboration there cannot be true collaboration during cooperation. When the facilitation to achieve a goal is led by someone, and there is at least one person taking an inactive role, by simply complying, the work is cooperative.

With that said, our goals should include to understand collaboration and cooperation. Have or create more opportunities to allow for collaboration. Get parents involved to collaborate and not just cooperate. Heads of schools and schools would benefit by collaborating with each other to help make the school and school policies better. This is assuming that the head of school is creating a space with staff who want the same thing as the head of school and are willing to work together to get there. This takes humility and good communication skills on the part of at least the head of school. If schools, or even guides, can start with this understanding and applying it at least to their classroom and parents, it would be amazing to see what the reported difference would be before having this awareness.

Please share your thoughts comments and experiences so others can benefit from your insights!

 Sources:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lynn-power/collaboration-vs-cooperat_b_10324418.html

https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/28752/whats-the-difference-between-collaborate-and-cooperate